Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, My Story, The Present

I’ve Got These Feelings

I would like to think that I cope pretty well living with (doing a quick mental count here…) 7 different chronic health issues, and all of the various symptoms they bring with them. Not blowing my own trumpet here, but a lot of the time I can manage all the different facets of day to day management.

But at other times, all of the pill taking, appointment making, symptom tracking and general chronically ill living really gets on top of me.

At the moment, I’m stuck in one of those times where things are just really tough.

  • There are various symptoms showing up out of the blue, while others are escalating out of my control.
  • There are appointments I’ve just conquered this month, and already I’m stacking up multiple future dates for next month.
  • There is intense nausea which means I want to eat small snacks regularly, but severe bloating and a feeling of fullness which discourages me from eating.
  • There is more severe pain that has suddenly shown up, in a place within my body that it wasn’t before.
  • There are medications that have been working which suddenly don’t any more, and a new treatment regime that is daunting and a step into the unknown.
  • There are work days to attend and schedules to adhere to, but little to no energy with which to fill those commitments.
  • There is a procedure coming soon, and during the time my body is under that procedure’s spell, I have to attempt to schedule a major surgery.
  • There are thoughts that suddenly strike my mind like lightening bolts, and somehow turn my mental stability into a whirlwind of confusion and tears.
  • There are multiple different malfunctioning body parts, and very few self care tools that I can use to soothe them.
  • There are Specialists to see, but much patient waiting and perseverance required until appointment day finally arrives.
  • There is a headache that arrived yesterday with a skull splitting fury, that still lingers today in an attempt to break my mind and body.
  • There are nights of long and deep sleep, but days still filled with extreme fatigue and exhaustion.

As you may be able to tell from that small (ha ha!) list, things aren’t going well for me at the moment. I’m struggling to push forward each day, and sometimes wondering if I have enough within me to keep up the fight.

But on the days where I ponder giving up altogether, I am left with one loud and lingering thought –

If I give up now, what will I do? What will my day to day end up looking like? What else is there but what I have, as difficult as it often is?

So despite being so close to the edge at times, I continue putting one foot in front of the other. I persevere, although some days I don’t honestly know how I manage to keep moving forward, even if it is at a painfully slow pace.

But I am here today, and moment by moment I will live. Stepping gingerly from one hour to the next, not sure what may be coming to meet me. Continuing to do the best I can with the life that I have been gifted, despite the many challenges it brings.

Sending you all the courage I can muster today, my lovely readers.

C xx


Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Hello to the Universe

I haven’t written here in such a long time. I’ve tried a few times, but can’t seem to find my flow.

I’m in an extended period of extreme fatigue, escalating symptoms and a generalised crescendo of life piling on top of me.

I’ll attempt to write when I can, whenever that might be. But currently, I’m taking time out, and looking after me as best I can.

But I just wanted to let you know that I’m still around. I’m unsure if anyone reads my corner of the internet, but if you do then I’m just here saying a gentle and quiet hello.

I’ll be back, I promise. I’m not sure when, but if you do read then please feel free to stick around.

C xx

Chronic Illness, Health, The Present

In Search of a Word

I’m fatigued big time lately.

Yes, it’s the end of the year, holidays are here and naturally we all wind down and feel the effects of the past year catching up with us.

But this is different to ‘normal person’ fatigue in so many ways. Fatigue from chronic illness is draining, heavy like wet cement and so frustrating to live with.

One of the things that I’ve struggled with over the past 4 and a bit ‘sick’ years of my life, is the use of words to describe my symptoms. I’ve never felt that any word I use to describe my tiredness / exhaustion / fatigue really captures the essence of it well, or does it justice.

Because people use all those descriptive words in an ‘everyday tiredness’ sense, it’s hard for them to grasp the extent of my fatigue since I use those same words. No one can truly ‘get it’ unless they experience chronic illness fatigue themselves, so I’ve found a distinct misunderstanding from people around me. Apart from my chronically ill friends of course – they totally get me!

So in my frustration of finding a suitable word to describe my fatigue, I wrote a poem. Seems that’s what I do lately whenever I have something on my mind…


Tired isn’t a big enough word,
To explain the way I feel.
I can’t help but wonder if,
From this tiredness I will ever heal.

Fatigue is the correct word,
To describe this state I’m in.
Google says it’s extreme tiredness,
Resulting from illness or exertion.

But even fatigue doesn’t seem,
A word sufficiently large enough,
To explain how I feel incredibly tired,
As well as physically and mentally rough.

The word I need is something large,
Substantial and foreboding.
That will somehow capture the essence,
Of exactly how tired I’m feeling.

Something like humungous,
Or even a bit like monstrous,
A word a little scary,
And definitely enormous.

I haven’t yet discovered,
That a word like this exists.
But one day I hope to find,
An adjective or noun that fits.

Chronic Illness, Health, Life, Surgery, The Past, The Present

I’m Back

I know I’ve been away a while, but I’ve struggled to find the words to write,

Back here now I am, and ready to share a little of my life.

I haven’t written in so long, I’m not sure where to start,

But I guess the words I should share, are those closest to my heart.

So where to begin? I suppose at the beginning,

Not that I can remember where that is, so this story I’ll just start spinning.

I’m on a list for spine surgery, a topic I haven’t discussed much yet,

But I found out recently, some words I won’t forget.

This surgery I was promised, to hopefully improve my life,

And end the chronic pain, that can leave me in daily strife.

Was originally a 5 month wait, which I thought I could do,

But they got that wrong, and it turns out more like 10 months is true.

That was hard to hear, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried,

But when you hear it from the Surgeon himself, you don’t think they’ve lied.

It wasn’t really a lie, at least not intentionally,

He just didn’t know the true length of his list, but promises shouldn’t be made that way.

Onto other parts of my life, as I have much to say,

A lot on my mind, that I feel the urge to display.

My mind itself, has been a popular topic of late,

As the past few months, I’ve felt a change in my state.

This mind of mine has been sliding, and I’ve felt it’s shift,

Which all led to a visit with my GP, to discuss what we can do to lift.

On that day I was diagnosed, with anxiety and depression,

Difficult words to say for sure, but even harder to let them sink in.

I have been so strong in living, chronically ill these past 4 years,

But in the end my mind has crumbled, and it left me in tears.

Seeing this as NOT a weakness, is not easy at all,

But instead I’m re-framing it, as a sign of strength and will.

That I realised what may be happening, and reached out for help,

Instead of keeping it all inside, and torturing myself.

Those are the big news items, that are foremost in my brain ,

But that’s all the sharing for now, quite enough verbal rain.

So I’ll sign off for now, from my little online space,

But I’ll try to get over this writer’s block, and return more often to leave a written trace.


Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I’ve been breathing underwater lately. Lots of things on my plate in life with physical health decline, worsening chronic pain, more responsibility at work and other issues – it’s just gotten on top of me!

It’s at times like this that many non-essential things in life fall by the wayside, and blogging has been one of them. I promise I’ll be back more often soon though, but at the moment I’m still trying to claw back all that I have lost health wise.

Tonight though I missed my little blog, so I thought I’d post these words that I came across tonight. They’re very poignant in my life right now.

Talk more soon,

C xx

Blogging, Family, Life, The Present

War in My Home

I feel like I’m falling, on the verge of letting go.

Giving up isn’t an option, in my brain that’s what I know.

But as I hear my loved ones argue, and raise their voices above my head.

I just want it all to end, for my home to be quiet instead.

I don’t want to leave them, and I couldn’t if I tried.

My circumstances are all wrong, I am so very tired.

But hearing of this conflict, and being in this space.

Makes my stress levels rise, while wishing for my own place.

A quiet and peaceful haven, where I don’t have to worry any more.

Somewhere I can be safe in the knowledge, that my loved ones fight no more.

But I can’t leave, it just won’t work.

Can’t support myself on my own.

So here I stay, stuck in the middle.

Of a war inside my home.

NB – Ironically when I plugged my ears into Spotify to drown out my surroundings tonight, the first song that randomly played was ‘Stronger – What Doesn’t Kill You’ by Kelly Clarkson. This was swiftly followed by ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons, the lyrics of which also hold a lot of meaning for me.

I think someone is trying to send me a message…