Blogging, Family, Life, The Present

War in My Home

I feel like I’m falling, on the verge of letting go.

Giving up isn’t an option, in my brain that’s what I know.

But as I hear my loved ones argue, and raise their voices above my head.

I just want it all to end, for my home to be quiet instead.

I don’t want to leave them, and I couldn’t if I tried.

My circumstances are all wrong, I am so very tired.

But hearing of this conflict, and being in this space.

Makes my stress levels rise, while wishing for my own place.

A quiet and peaceful haven, where I don’t have to worry any more.

Somewhere I can be safe in the knowledge, that my loved ones fight no more.

But I can’t leave, it just won’t work.

Can’t support myself on my own.

So here I stay, stuck in the middle.

Of a war inside my home.

NB – Ironically when I plugged my ears into Spotify to drown out my surroundings tonight, the first song that randomly played was ‘Stronger – What Doesn’t Kill You’ by Kelly Clarkson. This was swiftly followed by ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons, the lyrics of which also hold a lot of meaning for me.

I think someone is trying to send me a message…

Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Keeping Up

I try to keep up,

Alter my appearance to suit.

Be happy and bubbly,

And helpful to boot.

But the more I attempt,

To be a ‘normal’ human being.

The more changes and differences,

Instead I am seeing.

I’m an incredibly tough judge,

When it comes to myself.

If I’m being really honest,

It’s affecting my health.

My heart quickly races,

My mind will often swirl.

In this moment I realise,

I’m far from a normal girl.

I only work part time,

Haven’t attended University.

Live in chronic daily pain,

And have had my fair share of adversity.

Whichever way I look at it,

I just don’t measure up.

But I can’t live any kind of life,

If I don’t fill my own cup.

So enough with the brave face,

And cheery put on demeanor.

It’s time to take care of me,

And be my own *Redeemer.
*No offence meant God, you know that you’re my Number 1 Redeemer ❤️

Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, My Story, The Past, The Present

What I’ve Become

As I sit here this night on the eve of my birth, I have begun to consider what may be my worth?

How my health issues have drastically  changed the outcome, of the life I dreamed about versus the person I’ve become.

I had ambitions of attending University, to study a degree in Physiotherapy.

Instead I spent so many months out of  work, with money tight and medical files my main source of homework.

Fatigued, exhausted and in pain, at times I felt the life I lived was in vain.

I’ve pushed myself hard when my body didn’t loudly protest, and plenty of times when it would have been wiser to rest.

There have been so many guinea pig moments, with new meds, acupuncture and natural potions.

All in the quest to make myself well, when some treatments and side effects have made my life Hell.

And what have I done with all of this ‘so called’ spare time?  Learnt an instrument, exercised, nurtured myself and studied part time.

But through it all I’ve learnt a lot, despite the trials and challenges I never forgot.

Proving to myself just how strong I can be, and how patient I am when waiting is key.

So although this life isn’t what I imagined, I am so glad I never abandoned.

That I never stopped trying or gave up for long, because I’ve grown so much and quitting always felt wrong.

I’ve done what I can with this life of mine, and of that I am proud and will be for all time.

Chronic Illness, Life, The Present

As They Fall

These past few days have been rough, and my emotional barriers have come down big time.  This poem expresses my feelings during this time.

 

Salt flavoured tears trickle slowly down my cheek, I’m so upset it’s difficult to speak.

My health issues are ruling my life right now, and making anything better I just don’t know how.

I try to carry on and do my best to be strong, but when I break down I feel I’m doing it all wrong.

That I should be stronger and better than this, and not let my weakness out the way that it is.

As I sit and let the tears fall, my body is breaking down an emotional brick wall.

Letting it all out doesn’t happen too often, I try not to let it show and attempt to keep it hidden.

Away from view ‘out of sight, out of mind’, but never far from the surface are my emotions I find.

I wind them up inside me so tight, in an effort to keep them out of sight.

But from time to time they emerge, and as they rush out I feel strangely purged.

Cleansed of my mental anguish and pain, even though I know it will only build up again.

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Chronic Illness, Endometriosis, Health, Interstitial Cystitis, The Present

Making It Through Friday When You’re Exhausted

If you’re hoping this is the post where I tell you there is a magic cure for waking up exhausted, then I am sorry to disappoint you.  There is no little known secret way (as far as I know) to power through the day when you wake up feeling like you need to sleep for a month.  But I digress, as there’s no point talking about something that doesn’t exist.

Today has been a hard day, a trying day where I woke up wondering whether it was even worth the trouble of getting out of bed.  No, this is not laziness as some people may presume, but instead the dragging exhaustion that comes with being chronically fatigued due to the multiple illnesses my body is trying to handle.

Currently, my worst symptoms are coming from my bladder (pain and peeing a million times a day), pelvis (uterus seems to be intent on continually spring cleaning itself), shoulder (well it’s dislocated, so no surprises there) and my back (because my spine is wonky, but that’s a whole ‘nother post I need to write).  So yes, you could say there is a lot going on.

I woke this morning groggy and feeling like I hadn’t slept, which is partly true considering my bladder has been getting me out of bed through the night lately.  But I had work to go to, so there was no option of staying in bed and turning myself into a duvet burrito (yes it’s a thing – Google it).

So up and out of bed I got, dragged myself through the shower and made myself look pretty.  Wasn’t until I got to breakfast, and then to work, that people began telling me how pale I looked.  Uh oh, pale is never a good sign considering I have an English Rose complexion on a good day.

Somehow I made it through work, got my brain to function by drinking plenty of water and inhaling jellybeans at my desk, caught the bus home and am now sitting in front of my laptop writing this.

People may read this and say ‘well, if she made it to work things can’t be that bad!), but that’s a matter of personal opinion I guess.  When you walk in and your Boss asks you what is wrong and comments on how pale and washed out you look, there must be something quite wrong if they’ve noticed.  I usually do my best to hide the effect my symptoms have on me and carry on, but some days it just isn’t possible to hide it all without having some outward visible signs that today isn’t a good day.

Right now, my body feels cold, drained and heavy.  I feel like I need to sleep for a month solid to have some kind of life brought back into me.  Although in the back of my mind, I know that sleep just doesn’t seem to give me the energy and refreshed feeling it used to about 5 years before I was diagnosed.  There really is something funky that being chronically ill does to your sleep, that’s for sure!

Ugh, don’t feel like this post really has a point, so I’ll leave it here.  Maybe I’ll come back when my brain feels a little less sluggish, and try to post something a bit more eloquently written.

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