Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, My Story, The Present

I’ve Got These Feelings

I would like to think that I cope pretty well living with (doing a quick mental count here…) 7 different chronic health issues, and all of the various symptoms they bring with them. Not blowing my own trumpet here, but a lot of the time I can manage all the different facets of day to day management.

But at other times, all of the pill taking, appointment making, symptom tracking and general chronically ill living really gets on top of me.

At the moment, I’m stuck in one of those times where things are just really tough.

  • There are various symptoms showing up out of the blue, while others are escalating out of my control.
  • There are appointments I’ve just conquered this month, and already I’m stacking up multiple future dates for next month.
  • There is intense nausea which means I want to eat small snacks regularly, but severe bloating and a feeling of fullness which discourages me from eating.
  • There is more severe pain that has suddenly shown up, in a place within my body that it wasn’t before.
  • There are medications that have been working which suddenly don’t any more, and a new treatment regime that is daunting and a step into the unknown.
  • There are work days to attend and schedules to adhere to, but little to no energy with which to fill those commitments.
  • There is a procedure coming soon, and during the time my body is under that procedure’s spell, I have to attempt to schedule a major surgery.
  • There are thoughts that suddenly strike my mind like lightening bolts, and somehow turn my mental stability into a whirlwind of confusion and tears.
  • There are multiple different malfunctioning body parts, and very few self care tools that I can use to soothe them.
  • There are Specialists to see, but much patient waiting and perseverance required until appointment day finally arrives.
  • There is a headache that arrived yesterday with a skull splitting fury, that still lingers today in an attempt to break my mind and body.
  • There are nights of long and deep sleep, but days still filled with extreme fatigue and exhaustion.

As you may be able to tell from that small (ha ha!) list, things aren’t going well for me at the moment. I’m struggling to push forward each day, and sometimes wondering if I have enough within me to keep up the fight.

But on the days where I ponder giving up altogether, I am left with one loud and lingering thought –

If I give up now, what will I do? What will my day to day end up looking like? What else is there but what I have, as difficult as it often is?

So despite being so close to the edge at times, I continue putting one foot in front of the other. I persevere, although some days I don’t honestly know how I manage to keep moving forward, even if it is at a painfully slow pace.

But I am here today, and moment by moment I will live. Stepping gingerly from one hour to the next, not sure what may be coming to meet me. Continuing to do the best I can with the life that I have been gifted, despite the many challenges it brings.

Sending you all the courage I can muster today, my lovely readers.

C xx


Chronic Illness, Health, Hospital, Life, My Story, Surgery


Snorkelling is an art form

Swimming just beneath the surface

Looking for things that dwell within

Is the main purpose

The same principle can be applied

To my health I’ll explain

As my health issues, no matter how quiet they are

Within my body they remain

Controlled as best I can

With medications and treatments

The ailments of my body

May be quiet and symptoms silent

But still they remain within my body

Just under the surface

Waiting to flare at any opportunity

To wipe the faint smile from my face

As they’re only held off

By pills and Botox procedures

The issue isn’t cured

Only paused in its adventures

Once the pills stop working

Or the Botox wears out

Symptoms flare up with a vengeance

Of that there’s no doubt

Then I’m back to square one again

Trying new meds or undergoing the surgical knife

Slightly fearful in the knowledge that

My health history is my life

Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, My Story, The Past, The Present

What I’ve Become

As I sit here this night on the eve of my birth, I have begun to consider what may be my worth?

How my health issues have drastically  changed the outcome, of the life I dreamed about versus the person I’ve become.

I had ambitions of attending University, to study a degree in Physiotherapy.

Instead I spent so many months out of  work, with money tight and medical files my main source of homework.

Fatigued, exhausted and in pain, at times I felt the life I lived was in vain.

I’ve pushed myself hard when my body didn’t loudly protest, and plenty of times when it would have been wiser to rest.

There have been so many guinea pig moments, with new meds, acupuncture and natural potions.

All in the quest to make myself well, when some treatments and side effects have made my life Hell.

And what have I done with all of this ‘so called’ spare time?  Learnt an instrument, exercised, nurtured myself and studied part time.

But through it all I’ve learnt a lot, despite the trials and challenges I never forgot.

Proving to myself just how strong I can be, and how patient I am when waiting is key.

So although this life isn’t what I imagined, I am so glad I never abandoned.

That I never stopped trying or gave up for long, because I’ve grown so much and quitting always felt wrong.

I’ve done what I can with this life of mine, and of that I am proud and will be for all time.

Chronic Illness, Health, Hospital, Interstitial Cystitis, My Story, Surgery

Why I’m Excited About Having A Very Sharp Needle Inject A Neurotoxin Into My Bladder

At the end of this week, I will be heading into an operating theatre again.  This will be the seventh operating theatre I’ve seen the inside of in the last 3 and a bit years.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that, knowing that I’ll be subjecting my body to it’s 7th general anaesthetic…

This time surgery is not for my Endometriosis, but instead for a procedure to hopefully help with my Interstitial Cystitis symptoms.

This surgical procedure is known as Intravesical Botox.  In English, that basically means having a very sharp needle introduced into your bladder to inject Botox into the bladder muscle.  The science behind it means it works by paralysing the bladder to an extent so that it’s not so overactive and doesn’t spasm all the time like mine is currently doing.

Sounds pretty nasty, right?  I hear you asking  ‘how can she be looking forward to that?’

The simple answer is – I’m looking forward to symptom relief.  I can’t wait to live without constant bladder pain, to visit the bathroom less than a million times a day and just for my bladder to feel more comfortable and less like it’s constantly bouncing up and down inside of me.

I have had this procedure done once before, and it did give me excellent symptom relief, so I am hoping for the same to be true this time around.  Interstitial Cystitis is a truly horrible thing to live with, so any relief is more than welcome in my book!

Bring on Friday!