Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I’ve been breathing underwater lately. Lots of things on my plate in life with physical health decline, worsening chronic pain, more responsibility at work and other issues – it’s just gotten on top of me!

It’s at times like this that many non-essential things in life fall by the wayside, and blogging has been one of them. I promise I’ll be back more often soon though, but at the moment I’m still trying to claw back all that I have lost health wise.

Tonight though I missed my little blog, so I thought I’d post these words that I came across tonight. They’re very poignant in my life right now.

Talk more soon,

C xx

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Blogging, Family, Life, The Present

War in My Home

I feel like I’m falling, on the verge of letting go.

Giving up isn’t an option, in my brain that’s what I know.

But as I hear my loved ones argue, and raise their voices above my head.

I just want it all to end, for my home to be quiet instead.

I don’t want to leave them, and I couldn’t if I tried.

My circumstances are all wrong, I am so very tired.

But hearing of this conflict, and being in this space.

Makes my stress levels rise, while wishing for my own place.

A quiet and peaceful haven, where I don’t have to worry any more.

Somewhere I can be safe in the knowledge, that my loved ones fight no more.

But I can’t leave, it just won’t work.

Can’t support myself on my own.

So here I stay, stuck in the middle.

Of a war inside my home.

NB – Ironically when I plugged my ears into Spotify to drown out my surroundings tonight, the first song that randomly played was ‘Stronger – What Doesn’t Kill You’ by Kelly Clarkson. This was swiftly followed by ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons, the lyrics of which also hold a lot of meaning for me.

I think someone is trying to send me a message…

Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Keeping Up

I try to keep up,

Alter my appearance to suit.

Be happy and bubbly,

And helpful to boot.

But the more I attempt,

To be a ‘normal’ human being.

The more changes and differences,

Instead I am seeing.

I’m an incredibly tough judge,

When it comes to myself.

If I’m being really honest,

It’s affecting my health.

My heart quickly races,

My mind will often swirl.

In this moment I realise,

I’m far from a normal girl.

I only work part time,

Haven’t attended University.

Live in chronic daily pain,

And have had my fair share of adversity.

Whichever way I look at it,

I just don’t measure up.

But I can’t live any kind of life,

If I don’t fill my own cup.

So enough with the brave face,

And cheery put on demeanor.

It’s time to take care of me,

And be my own *Redeemer.
*No offence meant God, you know that you’re my Number 1 Redeemer ❤️

Chronic Illness, Health, Hospital, Life, My Story, Surgery

Snorkeling

Snorkelling is an art form

Swimming just beneath the surface

Looking for things that dwell within

Is the main purpose

The same principle can be applied

To my health I’ll explain

As my health issues, no matter how quiet they are

Within my body they remain

Controlled as best I can

With medications and treatments

The ailments of my body

May be quiet and symptoms silent

But still they remain within my body

Just under the surface

Waiting to flare at any opportunity

To wipe the faint smile from my face

As they’re only held off

By pills and Botox procedures

The issue isn’t cured

Only paused in its adventures

Once the pills stop working

Or the Botox wears out

Symptoms flare up with a vengeance

Of that there’s no doubt

Then I’m back to square one again

Trying new meds or undergoing the surgical knife

Slightly fearful in the knowledge that

My health history is my life

Chronic Illness, Life, The Present

As They Fall

These past few days have been rough, and my emotional barriers have come down big time.  This poem expresses my feelings during this time.

 

Salt flavoured tears trickle slowly down my cheek, I’m so upset it’s difficult to speak.

My health issues are ruling my life right now, and making anything better I just don’t know how.

I try to carry on and do my best to be strong, but when I break down I feel I’m doing it all wrong.

That I should be stronger and better than this, and not let my weakness out the way that it is.

As I sit and let the tears fall, my body is breaking down an emotional brick wall.

Letting it all out doesn’t happen too often, I try not to let it show and attempt to keep it hidden.

Away from view ‘out of sight, out of mind’, but never far from the surface are my emotions I find.

I wind them up inside me so tight, in an effort to keep them out of sight.

But from time to time they emerge, and as they rush out I feel strangely purged.

Cleansed of my mental anguish and pain, even though I know it will only build up again.

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Chronic Illness, Life

My Outside World Face

I wrote this last Friday, composing it on the bus to work and in my lunch break at the office.  This is how I feel every day, waking up and feeling the heaviness that envelopes my body.

 

This dragging feeling as I rise, leaves me heavy with tired eyes.

The weight of my body feels immense, but that is of no consequence.

Out of bed I crawl, hoping that I will not fall.

And to the shower I do head, to prepare for the day ahead.

Through breakfast and out the door, into the world I wearily explore.

Towards the bus stop where I stand, waiting for my ride to the working land.

As I board and the bus doors close, I sink into a seat and suppose,

That I’d better try to seem more awake, but that’s difficult when my body seems to take, take take.

I feel so depleted every day and night, never can recharge my batteries and life seems such a fight.

The bus pulls up to my stop near work, I walk towards the building but stop and lurk.

‘Time to put my outside world face on’ I think to myself, to smile and look bright – a picture of health.

Walk in the door and greet my colleagues, another work day is here and I’ve applied my mask with ease.

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