Chronic Illness, Health, Life, Surgery, The Past, The Present

I’m Back

I know I’ve been away a while, but I’ve struggled to find the words to write,

Back here now I am, and ready to share a little of my life.

I haven’t written in so long, I’m not sure where to start,

But I guess the words I should share, are those closest to my heart.

So where to begin?  I suppose at the beginning,

Not that I can remember where that is, so this story I’ll just start spinning.

 

I’m on a list for spine surgery, a topic I haven’t discussed much yet,

But I found out recently, some words I won’t forget.

This surgery I was promised, to hopefully improve my life,

And end the chronic pain, that can leave me in daily strife.

Was originally a 5 month wait, which I thought I could do,

But they got that wrong, and it turns out more like 10 months is true.

That was hard to hear, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried,

But when you hear it from the Surgeon himself, you don’t think they’ve lied.

It wasn’t really a lie, at least not intentionally,

He just didn’t know the true length of his list, but promises shouldn’t be made that way.

 

Onto other parts of my life, as I have much to say,

A lot on my mind, that I feel the urge to display.

 

My mind itself, has been a popular topic of late,

As the past few months, I’ve felt a change in my state.

This mind of mine has been sliding, and I’ve felt it’s shift,

Which all led to a visit with my GP, to discuss what we can do to lift.

On that day I was diagnosed, with anxiety and depression,

Difficult words to say for sure, but even harder to let them sink in.

I have been so strong in living, chronically ill these past 4 years,

But in the end my mind has crumbled, and it left me in tears.

Seeing this as NOT a weakness, is not easy at all,

But instead I’m re-framing it, as a sign of strength and will.

That I realised what may be happening, and reached out for help,

Instead of keeping it all inside, and torturing myself.

 

Those are the big news items, that are foremost in my brain ,

But that’s all the sharing for now, quite enough verbal rain.

So I’ll sign off for now, from my little online space,

But I’ll try to get over this writer’s block, and return more often to leave a written trace.

hello-im-back

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Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I’ve been breathing underwater lately. Lots of things on my plate in life with physical health decline, worsening chronic pain, more responsibility at work and other issues – it’s just gotten on top of me!

It’s at times like this that many non-essential things in life fall by the wayside, and blogging has been one of them. I promise I’ll be back more often soon though, but at the moment I’m still trying to claw back all that I have lost health wise.

Tonight though I missed my little blog, so I thought I’d post these words that I came across tonight. They’re very poignant in my life right now.

Talk more soon,

C xx

Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Keeping Up

I try to keep up,

Alter my appearance to suit.

Be happy and bubbly,

And helpful to boot.

But the more I attempt,

To be a ‘normal’ human being.

The more changes and differences,

Instead I am seeing.

I’m an incredibly tough judge,

When it comes to myself.

If I’m being really honest,

It’s affecting my health.

My heart quickly races,

My mind will often swirl.

In this moment I realise,

I’m far from a normal girl.

I only work part time,

Haven’t attended University.

Live in chronic daily pain,

And have had my fair share of adversity.

Whichever way I look at it,

I just don’t measure up.

But I can’t live any kind of life,

If I don’t fill my own cup.

So enough with the brave face,

And cheery put on demeanor.

It’s time to take care of me,

And be my own *Redeemer.
*No offence meant God, you know that you’re my Number 1 Redeemer ❤️

Chronic Illness, Health, Hospital, Life, My Story, Surgery

Snorkeling

Snorkelling is an art form

Swimming just beneath the surface

Looking for things that dwell within

Is the main purpose

The same principle can be applied

To my health I’ll explain

As my health issues, no matter how quiet they are

Within my body they remain

Controlled as best I can

With medications and treatments

The ailments of my body

May be quiet and symptoms silent

But still they remain within my body

Just under the surface

Waiting to flare at any opportunity

To wipe the faint smile from my face

As they’re only held off

By pills and Botox procedures

The issue isn’t cured

Only paused in its adventures

Once the pills stop working

Or the Botox wears out

Symptoms flare up with a vengeance

Of that there’s no doubt

Then I’m back to square one again

Trying new meds or undergoing the surgical knife

Slightly fearful in the knowledge that

My health history is my life

Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, My Story, The Past, The Present

What I’ve Become

As I sit here this night on the eve of my birth, I have begun to consider what may be my worth?

How my health issues have drastically  changed the outcome, of the life I dreamed about versus the person I’ve become.

I had ambitions of attending University, to study a degree in Physiotherapy.

Instead I spent so many months out of  work, with money tight and medical files my main source of homework.

Fatigued, exhausted and in pain, at times I felt the life I lived was in vain.

I’ve pushed myself hard when my body didn’t loudly protest, and plenty of times when it would have been wiser to rest.

There have been so many guinea pig moments, with new meds, acupuncture and natural potions.

All in the quest to make myself well, when some treatments and side effects have made my life Hell.

And what have I done with all of this ‘so called’ spare time?  Learnt an instrument, exercised, nurtured myself and studied part time.

But through it all I’ve learnt a lot, despite the trials and challenges I never forgot.

Proving to myself just how strong I can be, and how patient I am when waiting is key.

So although this life isn’t what I imagined, I am so glad I never abandoned.

That I never stopped trying or gave up for long, because I’ve grown so much and quitting always felt wrong.

I’ve done what I can with this life of mine, and of that I am proud and will be for all time.

Chronic Illness, Life, The Present

As They Fall

These past few days have been rough, and my emotional barriers have come down big time.  This poem expresses my feelings during this time.

 

Salt flavoured tears trickle slowly down my cheek, I’m so upset it’s difficult to speak.

My health issues are ruling my life right now, and making anything better I just don’t know how.

I try to carry on and do my best to be strong, but when I break down I feel I’m doing it all wrong.

That I should be stronger and better than this, and not let my weakness out the way that it is.

As I sit and let the tears fall, my body is breaking down an emotional brick wall.

Letting it all out doesn’t happen too often, I try not to let it show and attempt to keep it hidden.

Away from view ‘out of sight, out of mind’, but never far from the surface are my emotions I find.

I wind them up inside me so tight, in an effort to keep them out of sight.

But from time to time they emerge, and as they rush out I feel strangely purged.

Cleansed of my mental anguish and pain, even though I know it will only build up again.

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