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Chronic Illness, Health, Life, Surgery, The Past, The Present

I’m Back

I know I’ve been away a while, but I’ve struggled to find the words to write,

Back here now I am, and ready to share a little of my life.

I haven’t written in so long, I’m not sure where to start,

But I guess the words I should share, are those closest to my heart.

So where to begin?  I suppose at the beginning,

Not that I can remember where that is, so this story I’ll just start spinning.

 

I’m on a list for spine surgery, a topic I haven’t discussed much yet,

But I found out recently, some words I won’t forget.

This surgery I was promised, to hopefully improve my life,

And end the chronic pain, that can leave me in daily strife.

Was originally a 5 month wait, which I thought I could do,

But they got that wrong, and it turns out more like 10 months is true.

That was hard to hear, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried,

But when you hear it from the Surgeon himself, you don’t think they’ve lied.

It wasn’t really a lie, at least not intentionally,

He just didn’t know the true length of his list, but promises shouldn’t be made that way.

 

Onto other parts of my life, as I have much to say,

A lot on my mind, that I feel the urge to display.

 

My mind itself, has been a popular topic of late,

As the past few months, I’ve felt a change in my state.

This mind of mine has been sliding, and I’ve felt it’s shift,

Which all led to a visit with my GP, to discuss what we can do to lift.

On that day I was diagnosed, with anxiety and depression,

Difficult words to say for sure, but even harder to let them sink in.

I have been so strong in living, chronically ill these past 4 years,

But in the end my mind has crumbled, and it left me in tears.

Seeing this as NOT a weakness, is not easy at all,

But instead I’m re-framing it, as a sign of strength and will.

That I realised what may be happening, and reached out for help,

Instead of keeping it all inside, and torturing myself.

 

Those are the big news items, that are foremost in my brain ,

But that’s all the sharing for now, quite enough verbal rain.

So I’ll sign off for now, from my little online space,

But I’ll try to get over this writer’s block, and return more often to leave a written trace.

hello-im-back

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Blogging, Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I’ve been breathing underwater lately. Lots of things on my plate in life with physical health decline, worsening chronic pain, more responsibility at work and other issues – it’s just gotten on top of me!

It’s at times like this that many non-essential things in life fall by the wayside, and blogging has been one of them. I promise I’ll be back more often soon though, but at the moment I’m still trying to claw back all that I have lost health wise.

Tonight though I missed my little blog, so I thought I’d post these words that I came across tonight. They’re very poignant in my life right now.

Talk more soon,

C xx

Blogging, Family, Life, The Present

War in My Home

I feel like I’m falling, on the verge of letting go.

Giving up isn’t an option, in my brain that’s what I know.

But as I hear my loved ones argue, and raise their voices above my head.

I just want it all to end, for my home to be quiet instead.

I don’t want to leave them, and I couldn’t if I tried.

My circumstances are all wrong, I am so very tired.

But hearing of this conflict, and being in this space.

Makes my stress levels rise, while wishing for my own place.

A quiet and peaceful haven, where I don’t have to worry any more.

Somewhere I can be safe in the knowledge, that my loved ones fight no more.

But I can’t leave, it just won’t work.

Can’t support myself on my own.

So here I stay, stuck in the middle.

Of a war inside my home.

NB – Ironically when I plugged my ears into Spotify to drown out my surroundings tonight, the first song that randomly played was ‘Stronger – What Doesn’t Kill You’ by Kelly Clarkson. This was swiftly followed by ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons, the lyrics of which also hold a lot of meaning for me.

I think someone is trying to send me a message…

Chronic Illness, Health, Life, The Present

Keeping Up

I try to keep up,

Alter my appearance to suit.

Be happy and bubbly,

And helpful to boot.

But the more I attempt,

To be a ‘normal’ human being.

The more changes and differences,

Instead I am seeing.

I’m an incredibly tough judge,

When it comes to myself.

If I’m being really honest,

It’s affecting my health.

My heart quickly races,

My mind will often swirl.

In this moment I realise,

I’m far from a normal girl.

I only work part time,

Haven’t attended University.

Live in chronic daily pain,

And have had my fair share of adversity.

Whichever way I look at it,

I just don’t measure up.

But I can’t live any kind of life,

If I don’t fill my own cup.

So enough with the brave face,

And cheery put on demeanor.

It’s time to take care of me,

And be my own *Redeemer.
*No offence meant God, you know that you’re my Number 1 Redeemer ❤️

Chronic Illness, Health, Hospital, Life, My Story, Surgery

Snorkeling

Snorkelling is an art form

Swimming just beneath the surface

Looking for things that dwell within

Is the main purpose

The same principle can be applied

To my health I’ll explain

As my health issues, no matter how quiet they are

Within my body they remain

Controlled as best I can

With medications and treatments

The ailments of my body

May be quiet and symptoms silent

But still they remain within my body

Just under the surface

Waiting to flare at any opportunity

To wipe the faint smile from my face

As they’re only held off

By pills and Botox procedures

The issue isn’t cured

Only paused in its adventures

Once the pills stop working

Or the Botox wears out

Symptoms flare up with a vengeance

Of that there’s no doubt

Then I’m back to square one again

Trying new meds or undergoing the surgical knife

Slightly fearful in the knowledge that

My health history is my life

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Meet a woman who is a Spoonie

My beautiful friend Zoe is creating a new writing venture called ‘For The Sisterhood’, and I was so incredibly happy to be her first interviewee! The article is beautiful, and I’m so excited for the future of ‘For The Sisterhood’. Have a read of the article, then head over to her site and follow her journey for more stories featuring wonderful women 🙂

For the sisterhood

“SPOONIE” An individual who suffers from a chronic illness

I first met Caroline in 2015 after my own diagnosis with Endometriosis. She was the creator of Endo Frenz, a group for women under the age of 30 years who were either diagnosed with Endometriosis or were suspected of having it.

This page was a way for young women to discuss any possible issues they were having whether it be with health issues, relationships and friendships, or issues with managing pain, as well as finding ways to uplift one another on some of our toughest days.

It was clear from the very beginning, that Caroline, no matter what she was facing, was positive and always focusing on everyone else. This is what I admire about her.

As well as being diagnosed with Endometriosis, Caroline’s other health issues include, Adenomyosis, Interstitial Cystitis/Painful Bladder Syndrome, Gilbert’s Syndrome, Scoliosis and fatigue as well as…

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