The past few days have been really good in my world. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary has happened – work has been average to slightly annoying, and life in general has been complex and ever shifting.
I think what has really made the difference this week is that I’ve been in a really good mental headspace. I don’t know why things have been better in my mind, and I don’t tend to have any control over how my headspace is on any given day or week. But I’m always really, really glad when my mental health takes a turn for the better, whether it’s for a few hours or a few days. When things are good, I feel so much more clear-headed, it’s easier to practise gratitude and interact with others around me, and to deal with struggles and things that tend to crop up without warning.
Today has been a totally different story though because… I’ve crashed. The positive headspace is gone. My normal day to day level of fatigue has risen about 500%. It’s all come crashing down around me like a house of cards destroyed by the gentlest breath of wind.
Living inside my mind is once again an unpleasant place. I’m frustrated, short tempered and backing away from the ones I love. I’m dealing with massive fatigue, as well as associated sensory overload symptoms. I just wish that the good patches could last forever, but they never do.
But no matter how my day is shaping up, I need to remember this –
Healing is not linear.
The goalposts are constantly shifting. I don’t ever truly know where I stand, and how long the good patch will last before the rug is yanked out from under me once again.
This is life. With chronic illness and mental health issues, the changing landscape is even more painfully noticeable. The impact that even the smallest change in my home, work, health or social life can have is scary, if I stop long enough to think about it.
At the end of the day though, what is most important is to try and maintain a sense of self love, kindness and self compassion. To try and take care of myself each day, and work within and around the boundaries and constraints that I’m presented with.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time.